What is workplace gaslighting?
The term comes from the 1938 play called “Gas Light” where a husband intentionally changes the home environment and challenges his wife’s understanding of reality when she questions the changes.
Gaslighting is generally something we associate with personal relationships, but the reality is, it also happens in the workplace. The term is used when someone deliberately questions another’s understanding of the facts, instilling self-doubt. It’s ultimately about exerting power over another.
We normally associate bullying with someone deliberately and obviously making life unbearable but gaslighting is equally toxic in that perpetrator will normally take longer to wear you down; they will protect their own insecurities and will even occasionally offer compliments to confuse you.
Organisations have a legal duty of care towards their employees. This extends to taking reasonable steps to prevent victimisation, harassment and bullying. All members of staff should be informed of the organisations policies on such at the onboarding stage, which includes the implications and consequences.
Many individuals who are gaslighted don’t realise until it’s been happening for some time. The signs can be subtle including:
Failure to provide full facts, withholding key information or changing requirements to attempt to create an unfavourable narrative about performance.
Refusal to accept challenges about role requirements, becoming defensive, dismissive and evasive when asked about outputs and their purpose.
Taking over in meetings with the purpose of undermining.
Biased questioning in front of peers in a meeting scheduled for an entirely different purpose.
Denying any mistreatment when confronted directly, being told “you’re imagining it”.
Being blamed and told “you should just find another job”.
It’s usually on reflection it become obvious but as its happening it can be confusing and not necessarily apparent.
It’s important therefore, to recognise when it is happening to you or to spot it happening to another. Anything that makes you question your own perception of reality is, potentially, gaslighting.
All people managers should be trained and shown how to recognise the behaviours in themselves and others as well as how to support the victims of gaslighting.
The easiest ways to spot gaslighting is through the use of language. You may hear others saying things like:
“You’re being dramatic”.
“You’re obviously not suitable for this job”.
“You must be confused”.
“You’re so sensitive”.
“You’re remembering that wrong”.
“It’s always something with you”.
When a person is subjected to this type of bullying, they will start to show signs of lowered self-esteem. They will start to withdraw and appear frustrated, confused or even emotional at work. It should be evident to others.
If you recognise that it’s happening to you, you can take action.
As soon as the uncomfortable feelings start and you recognise the language, keep evidence. It may be conversations, requests etc that mean little in isolation but can demonstrate the behaviour when compiled and presented together.
Ask a trusted colleague their opinion, if they have noticed anything, again evidence if possible. When we check with others, it amplifies our own truth. Sitting in silence can compound the problem and allow unhelpful thoughts to take over.
Speak to HR if you have this option and let them know your stress levels. This will be recorded in your HR record and legally your organisation cannot ignore it.
The person who is gaslighting may deliberately lie, shift the narrative and will minimise how you feel. Enter into any conversation knowing what you want to get out of it and stick to your guns.
It’s likely you will also encounter deflection of any conversation around issues and will minimise your perception of them, including directly blaming you, denying you your own voice or minimising your input. It’s important to recognise when this is happening too so you can remove yourself from the conversation.
At the point you start to hear those phrases coming up or recognise the instances where you are potentially being gaslighted, it’s important also to know what to say yourself. Although removing yourself from the conversation is usually the best option, initially, the wrongdoer needs to know you recognise what they are doing. Consider using statements like:
“I don’t appreciate you telling me I’m too sensitive, my feelings and my reality are valid”.
“I’m allowed to raise these issues with you, please don’t tell me I’m being dramatic”.
“I’m aware you have changed the due date several times yet are blaming me and not recognising this. I’m not the only person who has experienced it”.
“I can’t stay in this conversation, if you continue to minimise my feelings about this issue”.
“If you continue to disregard my feelings and the issues I’m raising, I’ll have no alternative but to take it higher”.
“Some people try to be tall by cutting off the heads of others”. (Paramahansa Yogananda) There are many psychological reasons why individuals try to bring down others, it is like with all bullies, normally a deep-rooted fear, insecurity or loathing of themselves. The lack prosocial behaviour and tend to have strained relationships. Some perpetrators don’t know they are gaslighting, they lack empathy and are unaware that they’re behaviour impacts others. Some are unfortunately well aware and do this with intention.